Negating emotional self.

I thought of myself as an emotional creature. 

Because people around called me emotional. 

ONLY, emotional. 

But more I think about it, 

I am surprised by the fact, that I am not.

I don't know why people always 

saw me as someone who 

is just made up of heap of emotions.

I am emotional at a very basic level. 

I don't feel all the emotions.

I am a human being,

discovering myself at every level.

I am more than emotions. 

I don't even feel a million things.

I don't even understand emotions.

May be my emotions were nothing,

but a social construct. 

It's okay to cry.

When fears block the sight,

and nightmares chase all night,

It's okay to cry.

When you look a little fat,

and relatives tease you all the while,

It's okay to cry.

When grades fall suddenly,

and you seem to understand nothing,

It's okay to cry.

When friends don't understand,

and judge you and despise you,

It's okay to cry.

When god seems to shower all that you don't want,

and life takes a jerky turn,

It's okay to cry.

When money finishes, 

and the month end is twenty days away,

It's okay to cry.

When you bear a pimple on the same day,

that you've bought that expensive dress for,

It's okay to cry.

It's okay to cry,

But, cry to yourself,

and learn from the mistakes.

On my visit to Behari ji's temple, in Vrindavan

It was raining heavily, to my surprise. I like rains, but this time when I had to walk bare feet from the car parking area to the temple on the muddy road with stones, I realized rains were pretty difficult to live with, for the person who uses legs to commute. It was not easy. To take an each step ahead, and put down feet in the filthy mud water, I watched my pedicured feet with a sigh. My feet looked horrible. But my granny was determined to walk bare feet and expected the same from me. (The reason to walk bare feet is simple. They say, that foot wears get stolen in the rush of that kind) I definitely didn't want to lose my Catwalk bellies. 


Somehow, we managed to get inside the temple with the flow of people getting in. The sight was terrific. People, people everywhere. And not an inch to stand. I bet, no one could get inside the crowd after coming out without the pain of being stampeded or suffocated. 


People called themselves fortunate if they chanced a single glance of the idol "behariji". The pandits opened and closed the darshan in every 20 seconds because they say,"behariji ko nazar lag jaati hai". It was fascinating to me. The temple was peculiar in shape and size. One could not say, it was a cuboidal or cubic shaped. It was wide-spread. Marble flooring was even more slippery because it was watery with the rasas of flowers and filthy water that people's feet carried. People shouted "jai" after every two minutes. And the only way one could keep satisfied standing sandwiched was, he would be lucky to see a glance of the idol. Luckily, I am tall. It was not at all difficult for me. But for my mum, who is not so tall and also thin, it was difficult to even breathe inside. She got her hair messed, and she hurt her feet and it caught bleeding. 


I had an argument with a girl, who called my mum stupid because she stamped on her feet. It was weird. In that kind of rush, how can anyone abuse of stamping of feet? My mum's feet bled. The drops fell on the marble but she kept quiet. She was determined to not look back(after I insisted her), for she wanted to see the deity and worship. However, on seeing her blood, I got a little annoyed and pissed. I could shout at her that time, but her conviction to stay-made me say nothing to her. I just wished, we got out of that rush as soon as possible.


Finally, after getting on the stairs, my mum got to see the idol completely and she was so satisfied. All that pain she suffered,seemed to vanish. With a glance of the deity, she could bear the pain with ease. 


However, we got out of the temple finally, filling our feet with the mud again. The glance of the idol was undoubtedly imprinting. A sight to see. And only today, my height proved as a bliss.


I don't know, it was very difficult to see my mum in pain of that kind, may be the least. I wished all pains were mine, and she suffered none. It's so difficult to see our loved ones in pain. 


Also I would recommend, If one gets a chance to go to Vrinadavan, Please don't miss this temple. 

Life= monotony, and hope.

It was an evening, lazy and monotonous,

Among the green bushy patches,

I strolled in my steady pace,

I watched the dogs lazing,

and the cows that were mooing constantly. 

Trees were still,

Not a leaf moved an inch.

It seemed that trees were taking a nap, 

I couldn't feel the wind,

Nothing was unusual.

Babies in their respective prams, 

and their maids dutifully carried them,

Some seemed careful about the baby,

but the rest, just got an excuse to chit-chat and relax.

It was mundane.

Sky was clear blue. 

Despite of blue being my fav color,

Nothing seemed exciting about it.

Sun was setting,

While girls were walking back to their home.

Some lovers strolled on the path,

and some hid among bushes,

Some who were newly coupled, walked hand-in-hand,

Rest-fought, abused and talked of break-up.

One could understand.

It was obvious.

Frogs jumped on the path,

and lizards swirled on the trunk of the tree,

chameleons changed their color from blue to green,

And squirrels, ran without any reason.

It was life.

And I just strolled for a while,

and returned back home,

It happens to me everyday,

And this is life.

There's a meaning in mundaneness,

You just have to find it.

What is this?

I might be lonely,

I might be confused,

I might be in a bad mood,

I might just want to stay alone.

I should be happy,

It is raining outside,

cukoo is singing in symphony,

and its all so beautiful.

I am sad,

I don't know what to do,

I have no one to take me to the next step,

I feel doomed and not a ray of hope.

Everything seems to fall apart,

Chaos and confusion all around,

Oh brain! why have you stopped working?

Or may be, I am being plain impatient!

An illusion of a perfect life.

Things can never be perfect,

As we want them to be.

As we imagine.

As we dream. 

However,

to lead a happy and a peaceful life ,

We can live in an illusion,

of everything being perfect.

We can hide our sorrows,

behind our glamourous smiles.

We can cry,

but call them "blissful tears".

We cannot run away from problems.

We cannot jump to the conclusions.

We cannot foresee our future.

We have to wait. 

And to wait, Its important to live in illusions.

I do.

I wish,

We could be born flawless,

like the unbroken petals of rose. 

I wish,

nothing would matter, except the hearts. 

*the most valuable- heart*

And today,

Everything else matters, but the heart? Ha! 

*who cares*

Can we really change the world?

I have entered in my 20's, and am gradually realizing how imperfect the world is. And, we all try to change the things around us constantly, one after the other. We nag, we crib and we dislike the surroundings. Its natural. We all have faced this. We don't like the injustice happening to the just people. We don't like the way court delays the justice. We crib about the way government rules. We nag about the people in authority. We display antipathy towards our neighbors of some stupid reason of the music being played loudly, We mock at the local police. We disapprove of the way traffic rules being broken. We detest ourselves from the people we find are mean and selfish or egoistic. What are we doing exactly? And why are we enraged to see the wrongs happening around us. Okay, I understand we are the youth of the country ,and our blood boils at 100 degrees Celsius at the sight of unjustness around us. But, Could we actually change anything? 

More than six decades have passed since the time our country got its freedom from the invaders. Why does the corruption still exist? Why are the cricket matches fixed? Why do women still abhor to walk on the streets late night? Why are the murders, rapes, robberies taking place everywhere?

From your busy lives, take a moment and give a thought, Are we really free? And where are we heading towards? Can't we do anything to change this? Yes, we can protest, we can shout, we can write, We can also cry, or we can sit idle and chit-chat about it during our coffee-breaks. But, the million dollar question is- Can we really change something? 

We blame our Prime- minister, home-minister, finance minister, railway minister, chief- minister and all the various people up ruling our country and keep cursing them day and night. We curse everyone, we curse our society for the orthodox rules they follow. We blame our friends for egotism. We blame media. We blame our teachers for not completing our syllabi on time. We blame our parents to not give us that expensive cell-phone our friend has. And we are so scared to take the blames over ourselves.Yes, its true, We never take the blames on ourselves. I read a nice quotation saying - "shift the blames to someone else, and move on".  Ha, How true. But do we really move on?

Jessica Lall, Aarushi Talwar, Radhika Tanwar, and many more lives have been sacrificed without any reason, Right from deaths out of terrorists attacks to the natural calamities, We haven't been able to prevent anything. We can be vigilant, and we can pray to our respective gods. What else can we do? Of course, each of us will die someday. But who has given the rights to these devilish people, who think they can kill the innocents and get away like that. 

My point is- Somewhere, we all are responsible, as the citizens of this country. For once, held yourself responsible in the wrongs around you, Take the blame over yourself, and try to change 'you'. We all know, we can't really change anything on a big scale, But we try. This caption over "Leaders For Tomorrow"( A major youth NGO) tee says-" Lets change the world". I would love to see it as, "Lets change ourselves, world will take its care itself." Therefore, If we change ourselves, and keep changing ourselves according to the situations constantly, world for us would/can be a better place to live in, Because, It is in our own hands to change ourselves!

Stay responsible, everything will fall in place.

An ode to the times lost.

You were so precious to me, more than anything else.

I don't know why did you go?

I told you all the tit-bits of my life, And now.. we behave like any other acquaintance.

Something must be wrong at your end, and something at my end, I'm sure..

You were so close to me,

You were..

my guide,

my friend,

my relative,

my savior,

my solution,

my secret- bearer.

My life depended on you.

I needed you to take a step ahead.

When I came here, to this alien land,

I was relieved to know, that you were here.

But I don't know,

And I can't understand how things changed.

And why things changed?

I trusted you with my heart.

You were dearest to me, if not to anyone else,

Didn't you ever feel, you were important to me?

Didn't you ever miss me?

Why did you chose to leave me?

Wasn't I worth of you?

Did I do you any harm?

Why? WHY? I OFTEN ASK MYSELF,

And knowing it, that times can never be same,

Because we have departed, once! 

You were like a mirror to me,

I could see my real self into you,

and now, that we have scattered,each broken part can never be stuck together.

I miss you,

and the times we have lost behind.

I accuse myself.

And I still love you,

without letting you know.

P.S- Its an ode to all the special life people in my life, with whom I grew up, but are not together , or aren't that close in my today.

Dear Valentine, Beware!

On this day of love,

when love is in the air,

and people in love,

are pouring their hearts out.

I, desolate.. but happy,

after realizing love,

is not that we fancy, But

Love is a gamble.

It is not about making castles,

and going gaga about.

It is all about making sacrifices,

and being faithful.

It is dark,

It is a hope,

It is an ostentation,

It is love,

Oh, What a grave and passionate obsession!

Love is like a rose,

but not a bed of roses.

So, Dear Valentine,

Think before you let your feelings flow.

Because, she is the bride ...

Because, she is the bride

for the night,

loaded with jewels,

and hush-hush make-up.

Because, she is the bride,

her face radiant,

her smile illuminating,

and her mind in melancholy.

Because, she is the bride,

the lessons of her mother,

the love of her friends,

the blessings of the relatives,

she takes along.

Because, she is the bride,

apocalyptic tomorrow,

with an unfamiliar mother,

and a new family.

Because, she is the bride,

who was the sun of her family,

will be the moon to the new family,

all geared up, to make her home.

Because, she is the bride,

her dreams she'd woven,

unsure of the future,

with unending demands,

and full of sacrifices,

she welcomes all of it,

and give herself,

in the eternal bond.

Because, she is the bride,

she cares,

she loves,

all like her own.

 

Because, she is the bride,

she sighs,

she's anxious,

she is the most deserving of love. 

Love or Hate?

One life to love,

One life to hate,

And I choose love over hate.

Life do gives us chance,

And what we do?

We defenestrate those chances,

And crib,

crib about our only life!

How do we live?

Its better to die,

And

never cry!

Because 

When we drop our tears,

We look weak.

Only life to love,

Only life to hate,

And I will always choose love over hate!

P.S.- Like any other native of this country, I dream to eradicate hatred and spread love! And want people to stop cribbing about their lives, and accept the way god has made them! That gives satisfaction, And satisfaction always and always brings peace. And if one is at peace, He/she ll always spread love and no hatred!

What do you choose?

Slighest of hope keeps me going!

Everyday,

I lose! 

Everyday,

something morbid occurs to me,

But even after losing,

I wanna win.

I wanna live,

I wake up afresh,

with a new ray of hope,

a hope to win, someday!

All we need is a flicker of light... and this is how life goes on!