So what if I die?

So what if I die?

So what if I’ll be forgotten?

So what if my room would be occupied by someone else?

So what if my clothes would be donated for some charity?

So what if I liked to make people smile? 

So what my smell would be gone forever?

So what if my place would be taken by someone else in all the lives I have lived?

So what if my stationary paraphernalia would be thought of as waste?

So what if people would talk about my bad and forget my good?

So what if my mere existence would remain in the photographs? 

So what if my personality would just translate into an image?

So what if I’ll die? 

I can't breakfree.

Trapped,

Chained in the opinions,

keys lost

I can't breakfree.

Affected,

living with thyself,

unwanted,

I can't breakfree.

Tempted to go back,

I can't decide,

A tune in my head,

I can't breakfree.

Dragged by emotions,

unable to face the truth,

crafting the patterns,

I can't breakfree. 

Restlessness,

Peace of mind lost,

so used,

I can't breakfree.

All lost,

noone to hold onto,

none to fall-back on,

unable to trust,

I can't breakfree. 

Nothing can be done.

Butterflies,

gush of blood,

soothing after effect,

almost magical.

What you said, 

was not supposed to happen,

has now 

already happened. 

It had to lead this way,

you knew it,

we knew it,

yet, it bruises me. 

It happened,

and,

Nothing can be done,

about it.

It was something more than this? 

We all want to believe that.

But I have nothing to believe,

nothing to hold on to. 

Perhaps,

I can rely on,

my butterflies,

gush of blood un-felt,

things unspoken,

and my small fancy world,

where reside you and I. 

When you endure pain ...

Less did I know,

in the process of enduring pain,

and learning to live with it,

and befriending agony, 

you should be happy 

or bitten by melancholia?

Blames,

guilt,

deceit,

taunts.

I wonder,

smiles that you brought,

shortlived though,

are worth missing. But,

this void,

it's creepy,

weird sounds,

and some odd imprints 

that you left behind,

I carry alongwith me,

every day, every night,

in pride, 

in the process of 

enduring the pain...

more I think about you,

more is the pain I derive,

and more, I lose my part. 

When life changes...

Life changes,

even before you start realizing.

Some changes are for good,

some changes are for bad.

Whether bad or good,

changes are dificult to accept. 

And the key to accept the changes,

is... time, and nothing else. 

My persistent smile.

I smile,

I smile all the time,


I smile when I'm tired,
I smile when I don't like anything,
I smile when people ignore me,
I smile when I'm sad,
I smile when I look myself in the mirror,
I smile when I fall,
I smile when I am fired,
I smile when people judge me,


But that doesnt mean,
I don't feel different emotions,
though people won't believe.


Because I smile,
and let it go.
Because I ignore,
and let it go.


Two-faced I am,
because I smile, 
and hide other side. 

Very less people know, 
what it takes a person to smile all the time, 
and to hide the pain behind the smile. 

I miss you all.

It's a month, 
since I'm away from home.
I know, I'm not a child anymore,
but there are some things I long for.


I miss when every member of my family came to wake me up and I still kept sleeping.
I miss my lazy days,
I long for home food,
I regret the tantrums I used to throw unncessarily to make a fuss,
I miss the care,
I miss the "unnoticed" love,
I miss my arguments with mom,
I miss the times, when I teased my l'il brother,
I miss spending time with papa,
I miss reading newspaper.
And I miss almost everything about maa,
I even miss the scoldings,
I miss my home without upholstery,
I miss my wardrobe,
and the fridge and that special almirah in the kitchen,
I miss my study,
I miss eating sweets at night.
I miss the smell of my pillow,
And looking outside that huge window,


Moreover,
I miss when maa waited for me to come back home from college.
It angered me then, when she called up to know where I am,
Here, no one asks where I am,
and listen to my daily nonsensical stories.
And it makes me miss my home more.


I miss you all so much,
that I'm scared to tell.
It's not like, things are wrong here,
Everything's fine here.
Still, memory flashes back to the time of togetherness,
may be in the form of dream or just 
just goes away with the blink of an eye.
But, All of you are always there 
in my mind and heart. 

A month is enough to realize, that home is the best place to be. And parents are the best people on the earth. 


It always makes me wonder, I shouldn't have been such a pampered child for no one other than you can do the pampering. 

On missing home-made food.

The home-made sweets,

                                              that maa- You sent to me,

I devour a bite, and keep the rest inside,

like a treasure,

Nothing tastes like the food you made,

Nothing at all.

Change begins...

I wanted to be here. And I'm here,

I fashioned this course. I got it.

But... but... desires don't stop here.

There's something more I want now. 

I'm here. 

Perhaps, to make the best of my years.

And I will. 

Bengalooru, I am gleed to be here. 

How ironic?

Most of the time, the person we were closest to,
whom we entitled our secret-bearer,
in front of whom we laid our hearts on the wishful trays,
with whom, we could share something as personal as passwords.


Ironically, turns out to be the person who is a complete stranger today,
And mind you, Stranger with the hard feelings and a challenging level of discomfort. 
(of course, these days google can help you find the person's whereabouts).

TIP: Staying extra- close to anyone is contagious to the relationships.

On observing the type of relationships around, I found out and came to the conclusion that a lot of people are breaking up 'coz they have nothing left to talk about. The future of those couples is then anticipated to break up, for there is nothing left to share. And then, the relationship is doomed forever. 

Then why say, "Forever"?

Who has invented this word "forever"? Is there anything like "forever"? 


Forever. When someone says, "You are my friend forever"! Does that mean, that XYZ person is not going to leave you alone ever? Really? And when these two friends fight over some stupid shit, and they cry over each other's egotism, that "forever" is lost forever. 


Who/what is going to be with us forever, till death sets us apart? Any idea? Please tell me? 


"Love you forever", "friends forever", are such messages, that I find super- irritating. It's all over Facebook and other social networking sites. Under every hot-shot picture, flooded in the comments. I can't even take it when any of my friends say "love you", like that. Can't we save these words for that someone special or anyone for whom we really mean? Why everyone? 


Forever? D'oh. Everyone comes in our life, some stay for good, some stay to make life more miserable. But the common thing that follows is, they all leave. They promise each other to stay together forever. But we all know, that is not the truth. 


Go back to your sweet childhood days, and spare a moment to think about the people you have left behind till now.  Each class, new best friend? LOL. We make best friend each year, break up each year? Why? Why make best friends then? 


Life is short, we all know that. Yet, there's no one that lives with us forever. 
Everyone breaks that promise of staying together forever. No doubt, most of the people break our trust on the way. And some people just die. And then, separation becomes inevitable. 


Please stop using the word "forever", for it gives me hope about the person- which tears me apart, when broken?  Why can't all the relationships start with a guarantee card? 


What do you say now about "forever"? Anyone for "forever"? 


In this walk of life, we meet some good people whom we love deeply. We also meet some people who do no good. But the important thing is, we learn a new lesson from everyone we come across. One should never forget the lessons learnt, even if that person doesn't stay in your life. Remember to remember the lesson. That's the way we move ahead in life. :) 

Irreparable time.

Time flies. 

It does. But when in pain, Time doesn't seem to fly. Why is it when, we are happy and spend the good time, we don't realize the amount of time spent. But when we are suffering or in some deep shit, we see our watch after every minute.

My college is getting over- hopefully, if I pass. Of course, I spent the awesome time there. I know, time can never come back.  But, when I look back into the time, I realize- I've changed tremendously, and So does my thinking line. 

There are numerous people I held responsible for making me whatever I am. Yes, I have realized- I am something. Most importantly. College days have empowered me, encouraged me and changed me. I shall never forget the days I spent in that vicinity. The college became special, because of the friends and teachers who taught me. It wouldn't be same, if anyone of these would be missing. I won't name here. But people who read this, are of course the major part of my college days. I've learnt a great deal from all of them.

Sometimes, I wonder- Where I would be without college,when it gets over. No answer echoes back to me. I don't know. I might do good in life, or it can be other way also. Undecided of the admissions, *vexed* It is a strange feeling. Exams are just around the corner. And I should have been studying big time, day and night. But I am pouring out my heart here. 

I am not ready to believe I have grown up. Like what?  I was a kid, a child yesterday. And not a child anymore. This is a scary feeling. When I was young, I was so excited to go to college. And now when its getting over, I am scared of the life ahead. I know, my life has just begun, as every grey-haired person tells me. But, Life so far, has showed me the differences between good and bad. and Also, taught me that- life's not gonna be easy. 

I am excited to know, what's going to happen. What am I going to become. Whether I be able to achieve what I desire and aim to be.

Its just a feeling, and a bad time I am going through. Time is not flying, because things are good. 

I think, now its the time to take a deep breath. And introspect more.  

P.s.- I couldn't say anything on my farewell day, but I wanted to say. Thanks all of you for being there for me. You shall be missed. And those days, might be experienced once again, if we are together. 

Stupidest cupid. Let her live!

I travel in Metro, and usually close my ears listening to FM, but due to some problem in the way i wore my headphones, it kept felling off again and again. And I heard something so funny, That I couldn't help, but get angry.

I heard a girl talking over phone probably talking to her boyfriend, "baby, I am so sorry, I had gone to take bath, after you cut the call that time, and couldn't pick your call,Jaan, Don't get angry. " 

Oh my god? Do couples these days fight over shit like this? I felt like thrashing her that time. Dude, This is heights of possessiveness. What is the need to tell the nuanced details of your life, like you sneezed, you bathed, you taking breakfast.. blah.. blah.. I have personally known couples who fight over the useless issue of not messaging or replying within every 10 seconds. I wonder, Are they in a relationship to fight or to love? You don't trust a person whom you love for she doesn't take their call or call back, Whatever, ONCE? I know, we have technologically advanced, and we all have free messages, but is this way to torture every moment?

There are guys who dictate their girls to not wear sleeveless and showy dresses, but when they get down in a mall, They are the first ones to look out for the girls who wear this? Males are such hypocrites, They have all the problems with their girlfriend's female friends. What kind of life a girl who gets this kind of guy lives! HELL, A hell given by males! TORTURE! For god's sake, Let her breathe, and give her the required space. Or she ll soon realize that you are making her life hell, and will leave you!

I have pathos with the people like these, and pity on their lives and the kind of lives they are living! God has given all of us just one life? And you are responsible for making it pathetic instead of beautiful.  Grow up!

Love is all what we crave for. To get true love. Ha! And if at all we get "true" love, what do we do? We fight? We make that person cry whom we left the world for? We give pain? Please. Stop falling in love, and polluting the word, if this is what you want to do after getting the one you love. Life is so short to spread hatred. One should realize it before its too late. 

An ode to the times lost.

You were so precious to me, more than anything else.

I don't know why did you go?

I told you all the tit-bits of my life, And now.. we behave like any other acquaintance.

Something must be wrong at your end, and something at my end, I'm sure..

You were so close to me,

You were..

my guide,

my friend,

my relative,

my savior,

my solution,

my secret- bearer.

My life depended on you.

I needed you to take a step ahead.

When I came here, to this alien land,

I was relieved to know, that you were here.

But I don't know,

And I can't understand how things changed.

And why things changed?

I trusted you with my heart.

You were dearest to me, if not to anyone else,

Didn't you ever feel, you were important to me?

Didn't you ever miss me?

Why did you chose to leave me?

Wasn't I worth of you?

Did I do you any harm?

Why? WHY? I OFTEN ASK MYSELF,

And knowing it, that times can never be same,

Because we have departed, once! 

You were like a mirror to me,

I could see my real self into you,

and now, that we have scattered,each broken part can never be stuck together.

I miss you,

and the times we have lost behind.

I accuse myself.

And I still love you,

without letting you know.

P.S- Its an ode to all the special life people in my life, with whom I grew up, but are not together , or aren't that close in my today.

Because, she is the bride ...

Because, she is the bride

for the night,

loaded with jewels,

and hush-hush make-up.

Because, she is the bride,

her face radiant,

her smile illuminating,

and her mind in melancholy.

Because, she is the bride,

the lessons of her mother,

the love of her friends,

the blessings of the relatives,

she takes along.

Because, she is the bride,

apocalyptic tomorrow,

with an unfamiliar mother,

and a new family.

Because, she is the bride,

who was the sun of her family,

will be the moon to the new family,

all geared up, to make her home.

Because, she is the bride,

her dreams she'd woven,

unsure of the future,

with unending demands,

and full of sacrifices,

she welcomes all of it,

and give herself,

in the eternal bond.

Because, she is the bride,

she cares,

she loves,

all like her own.

 

Because, she is the bride,

she sighs,

she's anxious,

she is the most deserving of love. 

My message to the feelingless people!

Have you ever come across a not-so-close, but a decent friend who came up to you and say, " I don't wanna be friends with you anymore!"


If you can connect to what I'm trying to say, or ever came across such a moment- You ought to understand what I'm trying to say. But to rest, A message- Please don't walk upto a person and say, you cant be friends anymore, ever! It hurts, somewhere.. even though the person is not that important to you!  It might be possible , the person you said believes that she is very nice friend to you! She might have never done anything wrong to you, or even thought a word bad for you!

Respect feelings, or Your feelings are never gonna be respected!

Without you,

Without you,
I feel blue,
I feel scared,
I hardly care..

I feel unwanted,
I feel rejected,
I feel disowned,
I feel dispassionate..


I feel like screaming,
I feel like crying,
I feel uncertain,
I feel burdened..


Without you, I feel lonely......