So what if I die?

So what if I die?

So what if I’ll be forgotten?

So what if my room would be occupied by someone else?

So what if my clothes would be donated for some charity?

So what if I liked to make people smile? 

So what my smell would be gone forever?

So what if my place would be taken by someone else in all the lives I have lived?

So what if my stationary paraphernalia would be thought of as waste?

So what if people would talk about my bad and forget my good?

So what if my mere existence would remain in the photographs? 

So what if my personality would just translate into an image?

So what if I’ll die? 

What if?

what if i am unable to discriminate between what and what not.

what if i can’t judge between how to and how not to. 

what if i can’t handle the humor the way its meant to be.

what if i abandon my emotions and use pure logic.

what if i find comfort in another’s pain and not sorry. 

what if i suddenly become a meat-eater and abstain eating veggies.

what if i give up photography and lose myself in chores.

what if i intake all unhealthy and refrain from healthy.
what if all i demand is respect from people and can do without love.

what if i like to call myself open-minded and not closed.

what if life is full of what-if-s noone can get back to me about. 

Pearls and their value.

I had always chased after pearls,

fought to get them,

i got them, but, 

out of all the pearls i had,

lost, and 

gained, 

Explained by many, that,

pearls are precious to keep,

but i lost,

one after the other,
reason being, 

my carelessness, and faithless-ness,

but the time has come,

when i dont want 

pearls,

 not because they are expensive,

but priceless. 

Dear Rye,

Since the time you are gone, I have known how important you were to me. Don't take me wrong- It's not like, I didn't think of you as important at that point of time when we were together... but yeah, we do take friends for granted at times, and so did I. 

I miss the times we spent together. Talking, watching, eating, and again talking. The first time I experimented maggi with a different flavour was you. The first time I had a friend who looked through my photographs to understand what I am trying to say. The first TV show I'd fallen in love with while watching it with you. You were such a friend. Amidst the lot of people I have in my life, you held a different place altogether. I don't know if you would believe me or no, or if its too late to say, but I really miss you. I missed you on my birthday. A lot. 

You are one friend I'd wish to get married before me. You are one friend I'd want to see your name on the large screen. You're one friend I wish never fell sick, because I know what you go through when you are in pain and how it breaks your momentum in work. You're one friend who understood my girly needs. You're someone possesive and equally caring when it comes to me. 

You were someone who would want to look into my photographs, and would see all the drafts till the time it came out to be perfect.

What you meant to me, is something I can explain by not being able to find anyone like you and what all you did for me. I am happy for whatever you are doing now, and how you choose your life to be. I miss you. I miss your paparazzi-type-taking-photo-mode. I miss you when I want to eat Maggi. I miss you when I have noone to watch tv show seasons all in a night and then discuss it. I miss the way I was with you.  

I can't breakfree.

Trapped,

Chained in the opinions,

keys lost

I can't breakfree.

Affected,

living with thyself,

unwanted,

I can't breakfree.

Tempted to go back,

I can't decide,

A tune in my head,

I can't breakfree.

Dragged by emotions,

unable to face the truth,

crafting the patterns,

I can't breakfree. 

Restlessness,

Peace of mind lost,

so used,

I can't breakfree.

All lost,

noone to hold onto,

none to fall-back on,

unable to trust,

I can't breakfree. 

What makes you happy?

I understand happiness is ephemeral.


The strange thing, I realised, that I am unable to make myself happy. This realisation is quite scary in itself. I tried to observe what makes/keeps me happy. But I couldn't understand what made me happy generally. I am not a depressed soul or something. I have a smiling face. And my first reaction to things is usually a smile. But happiness? 


I tried hard to track a pattern. It was simple for me. I recieve immense pleasure and happiness and seeing people around me happy. More when its because of me, but I am happy when they are happy.


But the funny thing is that it still required people around me. If I am alone, what would make me happy. Perhaps, answer to this question was difficult. I had no answer. I kept thinking about it. I am still thinking. 


So, I want you all the readers, to think about what makes you happy. Just you, when you are with yourself. How do you keep yourself happy? It's important for each one of you to know and understand. Is your happiness conditional? Is it dependent on someone? Is it to do with your interest? What is it? Define happiness for yourself, with regards to ONLY you. 


Please leave your comments. 

Nothing can be done.

Butterflies,

gush of blood,

soothing after effect,

almost magical.

What you said, 

was not supposed to happen,

has now 

already happened. 

It had to lead this way,

you knew it,

we knew it,

yet, it bruises me. 

It happened,

and,

Nothing can be done,

about it.

It was something more than this? 

We all want to believe that.

But I have nothing to believe,

nothing to hold on to. 

Perhaps,

I can rely on,

my butterflies,

gush of blood un-felt,

things unspoken,

and my small fancy world,

where reside you and I. 

Longing...

I wish to pen down my words,
I want to speak my heart loud,
I crave to talk aloud,
I desire to be heard,
I yearn to meet,
I pine to hear,


All that I want to do,
I can't. 

An excerpt...

"Knowing the nuanced details of someone’s life.
Knowing that you mean the world to him. 
Knowing that he would never ever let you go. 
Knowing that happiness became synonyms with him. 
Knowing that all my friends have accepted him as my better half. 
Everything just felt right. 
Knowing the cons of his personality. 
I kept faith in him. 
Highest level of faith that I could ever keep in someone."

When you endure pain ...

Less did I know,

in the process of enduring pain,

and learning to live with it,

and befriending agony, 

you should be happy 

or bitten by melancholia?

Blames,

guilt,

deceit,

taunts.

I wonder,

smiles that you brought,

shortlived though,

are worth missing. But,

this void,

it's creepy,

weird sounds,

and some odd imprints 

that you left behind,

I carry alongwith me,

every day, every night,

in pride, 

in the process of 

enduring the pain...

more I think about you,

more is the pain I derive,

and more, I lose my part. 

The essence of being lonely.

Lonely. I am sure this word bangs your head infinite number of times and scares the shit out of you.  Let me guess, when you have no one to share your innate thoughts, or happy moments and the sad things about your surroundings. As human beings, we are meant to feel these emotions. Happiness. Love. Sadness. Loneliness. Rage. Jealousy. Lust. Greed. We have all the right to have mates and friends all around us, afterall we all are social animals. And we need people to share and gradually grow in our lives. It's not abnormal or there is nothing wrong in feeling lonely. 

Why are people scared about being left alone?

While someone is scared of losing their precious, someone is fearful of being ignored. It's never a good feeling to be the "neglected" one. It's a scary feeling undoubtedly. Everyone wishes to get loved by others and everyone wants to be appreciated. A turmoil and inner conflict is born when no one is there to listen to you, to pat your back, to understand what you are going through. That is when feel loneliness reflects on your face. 

And everyone feels alone at some point or the other, perhaps it's a universal feeling. 

"At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one's lost self."- Brendan Francis 

On one hand where solitudeness creates a void in your heart or keeps you perturbed.However, a different way to look at it can be, it can also guide to the way to know yourself better. When you are surrounded with people all around you and are busy with your chores for long days, you never get a chance to think about yourself and to question yourself (which is important). But once you are left in your own space, you start questioning yourself and try to understand yourself better by introspecting what went wrong and how can it be improved. It's important to achieve something in life. It teaches you a lot of things. It lteaches you a lot about yourself. 

According to me, when you are alone, it can be leading to the process of knowing the self. You can open up face-to-face with yourself without hiding your true emotions. We all expertise in maintaining a facade to display ourselves to the world because of the fear of being judged all the time. We all fear of being put into a trial and therefore become multi-faceted. It's only when you are left in solitude, you can realize your own worth, and be yourself. Just yourself. You can appreciate yourself. You can think anything without the guilt of feeling it. 

Loneliness is a real eye-opener. I guess one should not be scared of feeling lonely at times. Its important for the realization and manifestation of better you. 

Caution- In many cases- a demon/evil is born in the mind of the lonely being which is harmful/fatal if not channelised in the right direction.

Think about yourself. Love yourself. And know yourself. 

You are all worth it~ 

It's one of those days...

It's one of those days,

when life looks like a maze,

rain brings gloom to your heart,

sunset goes unnoticed. 

roaring noises suddenly mutes,

demonic traffic irritates you no more,

It's one of those days, when

no song can cheer you up!

No cuisine can satisfy you,

Aroma of the chocolate can't charm you in,

It's one of those days,

when you forget eating at all.  

It's one of those days,

turbulence is pumping inside you,

when something is vexing you,

that you can't speak, that you can't express,

that you don't want people to know.

It's one of those days,

when you feel lost,

when you don't know what to do,

or how to do.

Mind boggles.

Rarely hurt.

Feeling less.

Perhaps, still and

motionless. 

My persistent smile.

I smile,

I smile all the time,


I smile when I'm tired,
I smile when I don't like anything,
I smile when people ignore me,
I smile when I'm sad,
I smile when I look myself in the mirror,
I smile when I fall,
I smile when I am fired,
I smile when people judge me,


But that doesnt mean,
I don't feel different emotions,
though people won't believe.


Because I smile,
and let it go.
Because I ignore,
and let it go.


Two-faced I am,
because I smile, 
and hide other side. 

Very less people know, 
what it takes a person to smile all the time, 
and to hide the pain behind the smile. 

Then why say, "Forever"?

Who has invented this word "forever"? Is there anything like "forever"? 


Forever. When someone says, "You are my friend forever"! Does that mean, that XYZ person is not going to leave you alone ever? Really? And when these two friends fight over some stupid shit, and they cry over each other's egotism, that "forever" is lost forever. 


Who/what is going to be with us forever, till death sets us apart? Any idea? Please tell me? 


"Love you forever", "friends forever", are such messages, that I find super- irritating. It's all over Facebook and other social networking sites. Under every hot-shot picture, flooded in the comments. I can't even take it when any of my friends say "love you", like that. Can't we save these words for that someone special or anyone for whom we really mean? Why everyone? 


Forever? D'oh. Everyone comes in our life, some stay for good, some stay to make life more miserable. But the common thing that follows is, they all leave. They promise each other to stay together forever. But we all know, that is not the truth. 


Go back to your sweet childhood days, and spare a moment to think about the people you have left behind till now.  Each class, new best friend? LOL. We make best friend each year, break up each year? Why? Why make best friends then? 


Life is short, we all know that. Yet, there's no one that lives with us forever. 
Everyone breaks that promise of staying together forever. No doubt, most of the people break our trust on the way. And some people just die. And then, separation becomes inevitable. 


Please stop using the word "forever", for it gives me hope about the person- which tears me apart, when broken?  Why can't all the relationships start with a guarantee card? 


What do you say now about "forever"? Anyone for "forever"? 


In this walk of life, we meet some good people whom we love deeply. We also meet some people who do no good. But the important thing is, we learn a new lesson from everyone we come across. One should never forget the lessons learnt, even if that person doesn't stay in your life. Remember to remember the lesson. That's the way we move ahead in life. :) 

Life= monotony, and hope.

It was an evening, lazy and monotonous,

Among the green bushy patches,

I strolled in my steady pace,

I watched the dogs lazing,

and the cows that were mooing constantly. 

Trees were still,

Not a leaf moved an inch.

It seemed that trees were taking a nap, 

I couldn't feel the wind,

Nothing was unusual.

Babies in their respective prams, 

and their maids dutifully carried them,

Some seemed careful about the baby,

but the rest, just got an excuse to chit-chat and relax.

It was mundane.

Sky was clear blue. 

Despite of blue being my fav color,

Nothing seemed exciting about it.

Sun was setting,

While girls were walking back to their home.

Some lovers strolled on the path,

and some hid among bushes,

Some who were newly coupled, walked hand-in-hand,

Rest-fought, abused and talked of break-up.

One could understand.

It was obvious.

Frogs jumped on the path,

and lizards swirled on the trunk of the tree,

chameleons changed their color from blue to green,

And squirrels, ran without any reason.

It was life.

And I just strolled for a while,

and returned back home,

It happens to me everyday,

And this is life.

There's a meaning in mundaneness,

You just have to find it.

Can we really change the world?

I have entered in my 20's, and am gradually realizing how imperfect the world is. And, we all try to change the things around us constantly, one after the other. We nag, we crib and we dislike the surroundings. Its natural. We all have faced this. We don't like the injustice happening to the just people. We don't like the way court delays the justice. We crib about the way government rules. We nag about the people in authority. We display antipathy towards our neighbors of some stupid reason of the music being played loudly, We mock at the local police. We disapprove of the way traffic rules being broken. We detest ourselves from the people we find are mean and selfish or egoistic. What are we doing exactly? And why are we enraged to see the wrongs happening around us. Okay, I understand we are the youth of the country ,and our blood boils at 100 degrees Celsius at the sight of unjustness around us. But, Could we actually change anything? 

More than six decades have passed since the time our country got its freedom from the invaders. Why does the corruption still exist? Why are the cricket matches fixed? Why do women still abhor to walk on the streets late night? Why are the murders, rapes, robberies taking place everywhere?

From your busy lives, take a moment and give a thought, Are we really free? And where are we heading towards? Can't we do anything to change this? Yes, we can protest, we can shout, we can write, We can also cry, or we can sit idle and chit-chat about it during our coffee-breaks. But, the million dollar question is- Can we really change something? 

We blame our Prime- minister, home-minister, finance minister, railway minister, chief- minister and all the various people up ruling our country and keep cursing them day and night. We curse everyone, we curse our society for the orthodox rules they follow. We blame our friends for egotism. We blame media. We blame our teachers for not completing our syllabi on time. We blame our parents to not give us that expensive cell-phone our friend has. And we are so scared to take the blames over ourselves.Yes, its true, We never take the blames on ourselves. I read a nice quotation saying - "shift the blames to someone else, and move on".  Ha, How true. But do we really move on?

Jessica Lall, Aarushi Talwar, Radhika Tanwar, and many more lives have been sacrificed without any reason, Right from deaths out of terrorists attacks to the natural calamities, We haven't been able to prevent anything. We can be vigilant, and we can pray to our respective gods. What else can we do? Of course, each of us will die someday. But who has given the rights to these devilish people, who think they can kill the innocents and get away like that. 

My point is- Somewhere, we all are responsible, as the citizens of this country. For once, held yourself responsible in the wrongs around you, Take the blame over yourself, and try to change 'you'. We all know, we can't really change anything on a big scale, But we try. This caption over "Leaders For Tomorrow"( A major youth NGO) tee says-" Lets change the world". I would love to see it as, "Lets change ourselves, world will take its care itself." Therefore, If we change ourselves, and keep changing ourselves according to the situations constantly, world for us would/can be a better place to live in, Because, It is in our own hands to change ourselves!

Stay responsible, everything will fall in place.

I feel low...

I am low because I want to be. I desperately need to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions the way I used to. I have become too much frustrated, possibly because of the monotony in my life;someone said. On one side there is an insurmountable academic pressure and on the other side there is this "void",I am lately feeling in my life. My life seems to be surrounded with all kinds of darkness with no rays of light coming from anywhere. "Things are psychological", someone said.

Whenever I see people, having fun and sharing over the happy and sad moments of their lives, I feel cagey and pity on thyself. I am trying to find answers to my questions , "unknown questions".I always provide myself with reasons to keep me satisfied. But, in real, I know what is the truth.

Automatically, when I think about my life, my tear glands starts functioning. I don't cry, but I sob; whenever I am alone. When I wake up every morning- I find no reasons to carry on with my life. I may be failing. But I think I am learning the different ways the life treat us, and right now I am learning the bad things. See the ways, I keep consoling myself! 

I can no more count on people, and can share my things, I think of the different things they are going to think about me. I dislike the things I used to love at one point of time. My tastes are changing. The way I treat people is changing. I am changing. May be for good. But bad is not yet ruled out of the option. I don't know, what is eating up inside me. I am not being able to find reasons for my sadness. I am not being able to deal with inner me. I don't know , why I keep judging people all the time? Why do I feel this way? Is it common among all the people in my age-group? I need to change, and find the answers for my unknown questions before it is too late.

I have become the one who is glued to her mobile, not to text but to play games.
I have become the one who likes to watch Balika Vadhu sharp at 8'0 clock,
I have become the one who keeps earphones stuck to her ears to listen to radio,
I have become the one who likes to do nothing,
I have become the one who wants to do tit- for-tat for everything,
I have become the one who dresses disastrously,

Instead of
having loads of friends to text,
watching reality shows or may be the talk shows ,
to listen the hip- hop, or hard rock music
having infinite books to read,
having infinite household chores to do,
forgiving and forgetting people,
having the biggest wardrobe people dream to have,

I have become the way I now am.

P.S.- People reading this might think - what kind of article is this, but 'am only trying to vent out my sad feelings, and the way I have been lately feeling about my life.